| Editor's Column |
| Editorial |
| Op-eds |
| Torah Portion |
| New Jersey |
| Central |
| MetroWest |
| Middlesex |
| Monmouth |
| Princeton|Mercer|Bucks |
| Life and Times |
| Sports |
'Derech eretz' an old parenting ally for a New Year
When my son, Alex, was in first grade, he came home one day in a huff about a new boy at school. Although Alex had yet to meet this kid, word on the playground had it he was a bona fide teacher's pet. How else could you explain why all the teachers were bragging about him?
"Do you know this boy's name?" I asked.
"It's Derek," Alex seethed. "Derek Eretz."
Derek Eretz turned out to be derech eretz, a Hebrew phrase that translates as "the way of the land" but is most commonly associated with the act of showing polite, respectful, and thoughtful behavior to people and the environment. Just prior to "Derek"'s debut, it turns out, my son's day school kicked off a formal program drawn from the talmudic laws of derech eretz.
Upon learning the now infamous new kid's true identity, I was flooded with relief. Not because Alex would never have to worry about meeting Derek "Goody Two-Shoes" Eretz, but because I knew that my husband and I were no longer alone in our quest to civilize our children.
The talmudic laws were written a couple thousand years ago, but that doesn't mean they're obsolete. To the contrary, they're timeless rules of decency — written in the context of Jewish values — that are still relevant today. And the best part is that we didn't write them. So the next time we tell our child to clean up her room, and she responds with a sassy, "Why? It's just going to get messed up again anyway," we needn't resort to the desperate "Because I said so!" We need simply to explain that taking care of one's environment is a primary rule of derech eretz; if she has a problem, she can take it up with the talmudic rabbis.
The following tips will help you embrace good old "Derek" as your parenting ally and have your kids walking the way of the land in no time.
Outline the rules
Derech eretz is a broad and inclusive concept. We can help our children understand its meaning by breaking it down into bite-sized chunks, such as:
- Treat parents and teachers with respect.
- Treat everyone the way you would like to be treated.
- Respect the elderly.
- Be kind to animals.
- Be respectful to nature and the environment.
Integrate tzedaka into daily life
Since children are developmentally egocentric, they don't always understand how to show compassion and concern for others. We can begin to bridge this gap by incorporating tzedaka into their lives. Once a month or so, have your kids go through their toys and select a few gently used playthings to donate to charity. Or take them to play checkers with nursing home residents on a rainy Sunday. Once children get in the philanthropic spirit, derech eretz comes naturally.
Model derech eretz yourself
We are our children's role models; they constantly look to us for direction. This is not to say that if we aren't the Jewish equivalent of Mother Teresa, we're parental failures. Everyone messes up now and then, and it's healthy for our kids to see that we do, too. Still, we owe it to them to at least aspire to be worthy role models and to use our inevitable slip-ups as a means of teaching the art of owning up to — and learning from — our mistakes.
Catch them being good
Sure, we ultimately want our kids to abide by derech eretz because they know in their hearts it's the right thing to do. In the meantime, occasionally rewarding respectful, menschlich behavior is certainly appropriate. Make a DE chart and put a sticker on it whenever your child goes above and beyond the basics for civility (i.e., washing the dishes without being asked). Go out to a movie to celebrate when the chart is filled.
Use consequences that further an understanding of derech eretz
Hey, even the rabbis occasionally need some back-up. If your child refuses to clean her room in spite of the talmudic decree, a consequence is in order — a derech eretz-fostering consequence, that is. Clearly explain that as a result of your child's unwise decision, her playdate has been postponed indefinitely until she's shown due respect to her, and her siblings', environment.
In the laws of derech eretz, we 21st-century parents have far more than a collection of antiquated rules of etiquette. We have a parenting ally with a multimillennial track record of success; a blueprint for raising respectful, self-disciplined, menschlich kids; and a Jewish child's guide to appropriate, decent behavior. Not bad for a teacher's pet named Derek.
All rights reserved