Sidebar: Self-reliance

When a father returns a phone call from a college counselor while performing a colonoscopy, something has gone terribly awry, according to Wendy Mogel.

Ditto for the mother who promptly telephones the overnight camp director after scrutinizing a photo of her daughter on the camp Web site ("I blew up the photo and see either lipstick or chapped lips on Jessica, and neither is okay with me," the mother complained.)

Mogel, author of The Blessing of a Skinned Knee: Using Jewish Teachings To Raise Self-Reliant Children, dubbed such real-life incidents "the dark side of parental devotion, or good parents gone bad."

The nationally known clinical psychologist shared her views on over-parenting with a standing-room-only crowd Oct. 25 at Joseph Kushner Hebrew Academy in Livingston.

Mogel made an urgent plea to parents to let their children confront hardship. Parents must prepare their children to deal with the difficulties they will surely encounter in life, rather than "bubble wrapping" them, she said.

"I always tell parents that it's good for kids to have a crabby, unenlightened, uninspired fourth-grade teacher," she said. "I want kids to have a very lousy teacher once in elementary school. Because when they get a job one day, for sure for sure they are going to have a crabby, unenlightened, uninspired boss. When they get married, they will absolutely have a crabby unenlightened, uninspired spouse — at least the first one."

As she does in her perennially best-selling book, Mogel suggested keeping a loving distance. She offered the example of a father who would say to his children, "'I see you've gotten yourself into a fine fix this time. It's going to be interesting to see how you get yourself out of it.' He had so much confidence in the children's resourcefulness and their self-reliance. And he also had this wonderful, bemused, but loving detachment from his children."

High on her list of things that can be cured with Jewish wisdom is whinging, a British term for a combination of whining and complaining.

Parents spend too much time "interviewing" children about pain — physical and emotional — when they come home from school. "When you pick up your children, get off your cell phone," Mogel said. "Look at their beautiful faces and do not interview them about pain. Tell them what happened in your day that struck you as funny or that reminded you of them or something beautiful or something larger than their own mood. They will know you had a good day."

Mogel's talk was sponsored by the Livingston Municipal Alliance Committee, Joseph Kushner Hebrew Academy/Rae Kushner Yeshiva High School Parent Teacher Council, Jewish Family Service of MetroWest, United Way of North Essex, Livingston Parent-Teacher Council, Livingston Board of Education, Parents and Professionals of Exceptional Children, The Healthcare Foundation of New Jersey, Temple Emanu-El of West Essex, and Borders.

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