by Jill Huber
NJJN Bureau Chief/Monmouth

October 21, 2008

Finding a path to forgiveness for unpardonable acts can lead to a life of inspiration and hope, according to featured speakers at The Many Faces of Forgiveness, a discussion sponsored by the Monmouth Center for World Religions and Ethical Thought on Oct. 5 at Brookdale Community College in Lincroft.

The panel members — Holocaust survivor Fred Spiegel; former army chaplain Ryder Stevens; Neil Anderson, a survivor of childhood sexual abuse; and graduate student Nancy Elbassiouny — told 50 audience members that religious faith helps bring a measure of understanding in confronting acts of persecution and violence.

Spiegel, who was born near Cologne, Germany, survived a slave labor camp, a transit camp, and the Bergen-Belsen concentration camp. Allied forces liberated the camp in April 1945, one week before his 13th birthday.

“When it was over, I found that hatred against the Germans was not productive and was too heavy a burden for me to bear,” said Spiegel, who lives in Howell. “Many survivors were angry because I took that view. I tried to explain that I believed that the Holocaust perpetrators were evil, not the entire German population.”

He did vow, however, never to return to Germany. But in 1989, he chose to make the journey for two compelling reasons.

“I wanted to take a stand against the Holocaust deniers,” Spiegel said. “And for years, I’d heard the same question: How did the genocide happen? So I visited schools and universities in Germany and tried to help the students understand.”

Spiegel, who also speaks to students at colleges and high schools throughout New Jersey, said he plans to return to Germany before the end of the year.

“The reasons are the same as before,” he said. “And if some think they are beyond the scope of persecution, I tell them that my family lived in Germany for more than 400 years. We considered ourselves to be Germans of Jewish faith, and my father fought for Germany in World War I. But none of that mattered after the Nazis came to power.”

Nancy Elbassiouny is a graduate student at the Whitehead School of Diplomacy and International Relations at Seton Hall University in South Orange. A practicing Muslim of Egyptian heritage, she was born in the United States and grew up in a “non-diverse” town.

“Because of the lack of diversity, I really stood out,” said Elbassiouny, who now lives in Pine Brook. “I was not easily accepted by my peers, and it was a struggle for me to learn to understand my own identity.”

During her senior year of high school, she chose to wear a head scarf as a way to define her identity. The decision cost her some of the friendly relationships she had managed to cultivate.

“Some of those ‘friends’ ran away when they saw me wearing the scarf,” Elbassiouny said. “I began to question my decision. Should I take it off to blend in? Then I saw there was a complete lack of understanding about what the head covering meant to me.”

Forgiveness comes with maturity, she said.

“I realized being angry and holding grudges was unhealthy and went against what my faith taught me. Emotional or physical harm is not beneficial to anyone,” she said. “Through this process of learning, I actually developed a better understanding of my faith.”

Abused and abuser

When Neil Anderson at 11 was sexually abused by a teacher in his public elementary school, his family offered little consolation.

“Through therapy and faith, I learned my parents didn’t have the tools to help me,” said Anderson, who lives in Hopatcong. “My pastor said I had to learn to forgive myself before I could forgive my abuser. But before I could forgive him, I first had to confront myself — the relationship between the abused and the abuser become interlocked, and it’s hard to break that bond.”

When Anderson learned that his abuser had died of AIDS, he felt the stirrings of forgiveness.

“I really felt sorry for him and I forgave him,” he said. “It was the ultimate breaking of the bond and I learned that forgiveness is at the other end of anger.”

Ryder Stevens spent 23 years as an army chaplain and is now a Christian Science healer. During his years in the army, he helped bring together warring ethnic and religious leaders to work toward a peaceful resolution to the Balkan conflict, helped found a humanitarian/peacekeeping force for sub-Sahara Africa, and taught courses on religious freedom in the former Soviet Union.

“I had been places where I could help bring a moment of peace,” Stevens said. “I knew how unhealthy it was to hang on to hatred and anger. But it’s not easy to learn a spiritual lesson from a grudge and then move forward. Prayer and forgiveness are methods of getting past history in order to see the child of God in one another.”

No one is completely free of prejudice, he added.

“But prejudice can reshape itself, and it’s always worth the risk to reach out to try and eradicate it,” he said. “Faith can be used as a bridge, rather than a source of conflict.”

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