by Caren Ford
Special to NJ Jewish News

October 16, 2008

The Ronald I. Coun Center for Creative Maturity at Jewish Vocational Service of MetroWest provides a wide variety of services for mature members of the MetroWest community and their families, including the JVS Creative Maturity Expo. The second annual expo will be held Sunday, Nov. 16. JVS is the sponsor of this month’s column.

The Sandwich Generation — people in middle age who are caught between caring for aging parents and not-yet-independent children — is beginning to look more like a club sandwich. For the 22 percent of Americans born during the baby boom era (1945-’64), family responsibilities these days can include providing support not only for children and aging parents, but grandparents and grandchildren as well.

Estimates suggest that nearly two-thirds of baby boomers will be taking care of an elderly parent in the next 10 years. And with college and housing costs increasing and children choosing to remain at home longer, the burden on caregivers in the middle can be overwhelming. Many members of the sandwich generation have had to make job changes in order to take care of a parent; many others cut back their work or quit entirely. It is estimated that the cost to American business from workers providing this care is between $11 and $33 billion a year.

In her book Caring for Your Parents: The Complete AARP Guide, Elinor Ginzler writes that the sandwich generation is constantly “doing the juggling act of all juggling acts.”

“[T]hey become masters of time management. They are incredibly driven, passionate about it, and it takes a toll on them.” But, Ginzler warns, “what almost all caregivers do is put taking care of themselves at the bottom of the list of things to do…and that is actually a really bad recipe.”

Here are some hints for surviving the sandwich years:

• Take care of yourself and do what you need to do to stay healthy. Have you ever noticed that airplane emergency instructions always specify that in case the cabin decompresses, you should put on your own oxygen equipment before helping children put on theirs? If you feel guilty about thinking of number one, remember that if you don’t take care of yourself, you will not be able to take care of anyone else.
• If you have a spouse or significant other, don’t neglect your partner. Make time for one another.
• Be practical: There is only so much that you can do.
• Expect boomerang children living at home to be responsible adults and treat them as such. They are no longer children who need your undivided attention.
• Don’t be afraid to ask for help from community and government resources. It does not mean you are a failure; everyone needs assistance at some points in life. These organizations were created to help anyone who could use an extra hand.
• Don’t put your life on hold. Have some fun. If you have siblings, try to share the care responsibilities. This will lighten the burden on any one individual.

The most sensitive topic for many boomers is knowing how and when to start stepping into their parents’ lives and becoming an integral part of the decision making process, especially when they may live hundreds of miles away. Talking with parents and regular visits can help. If you live far away, consider hiring a geriatric care manager in the area in which your parents reside. This trained professional can provide an assessment of your parents’ home and functioning, arrange for and monitor needed resources, and report back to you on a regular basis. (For resources throughout the country, contact the National Association of Professional Care Managers at www.caremanager.org.)

If you plan to take this responsibility yourself, here are some additional guidelines:

• Assess the home situation, pay attention to how each parent is functioning and note any changes in functioning: what they can do for themselves and where they need help.
• Safety-proof the house. Fix hazards that might cause falls.
• Check in with the people your parents see on a regular basis — doctors, neighbors, and rabbis — so that they can alert you to changes your parents may be hesitant to share with you.
• Get to know the resources in the town where your parents live.
• Consider hiring someone to come into the house a few times a week to help out.
• Learn about transportation options if it is time for your parents to give up the car keys.
• Always try to include your parents in the decision-making process; remember these are their lives.

Caren Ford is assistant executive director of program services for the Jewish Vocational Service of MetroWest.

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