The children of Anna Stein* attend the Nathan Bohrer-Abraham Kaufman Hebrew Academy of Morris County, the Jewish day school in Randolph. The school is a “community” school, meaning it is unaffiliated with any of the major Jewish denominations, but Stein considers herself a Reform Jew.

When she recently approached leaders of Temple Shalom in Succasunna about joining the synagogue, she was told that her elementary school-age children would, beginning in fifth grade, have to attend the Reform synagogue’s two-day-a-week religious school (except for the Hebrew-language component). If not, they could not become b’nei mitzva at the synagogue. Tuition would be 50 percent of the usual fee of $780 in third through seventh grades. Unhappy with the policy, she did an about face and picked a different synagogue.

Stein said the policy flies in the face of community messages that day schools are the ideal way to inculcate Jewish identity. “Day schools are the future. Religious schools turned a whole generation of Jews off. Isn’t the idea to bring people back?” She also worries that after spending so much time in day school, her children will be bored in the synagogue school.

But for administrators at Temple Shalom, whose member families include just one with children in day school, the requirement is not only about educating children. Their religious school teaches children the values specific to the synagogue and the Reform movement and, perhaps most importantly, makes children feel at home in the synagogue and with their peers.

“There’s something to be said for kids having a synagogue network,” said educational director Cory Hermann. “The kids who go to day school don’t have a social connection here. And we don’t want to be a place to just drop in and have a bar mitzva.”

Temple Shalom is hardly the only synagogue with the requirement for prospective b’nei mitzva.

In fact, nationwide, with the number of Reform children attending Jewish day schools on the rise, an increasing number of synagogues and families are faced with a similar situation.

“Reform temples are struggling because they want to figure out how to integrate day school families and children into temple life,” said Michael Zeldin, professor of Jewish education at Hebrew Union College-Jewish Institute of Religion in Los Angeles and HUC’s national director of day school initiatives. “This has been a background question not grappled with on a national basis.”

For some synagogues in which a large number of families are sending their children to day schools, he said, it has reached the point where it has become “a significant issue.” For Zeldin, the issue is not necessarily about creating a Jewish identity that is specifically Reform; in fact, he said he isn’t so sure learning about Reform Judaism as such is appropriate for elementary school-age children, “except at the most surface level.”

For him, the question rather is about creating a synagogue culture. “How do you get the children in the door of the temple and get them to stay around past bar and bat mitzva and through their junior and senior high school years so they can begin to absorb that?” he said.

Until now, this question has been answered on a case-by-case basis by synagogues around the country, according to Wendy Grinberg, associate director of lifelong Jewish learning at the Union for Reform Judaism.

The Conservative movement also deals with this issue, and also on a case-by-case basis, according to Dr. Elaine Cohen, associate director of the United Synagogue for Conservative Judaism’s department of education. No Conservative synagogues require day school students among their members to attend their religious schools.

Still, “it’s a major issue in the movement,” said Susan Werk, educational director at Congregation Agudath Israel of West Essex in Caldwell. She created a day school program 17 years ago to integrate the synagogue’s 200 day school families (most of them at Solomon Schechter Day School of Essex and Union in West Orange ) into congregational life. Her programs are informal, from regular Shabbat activities, which incorporate all of the synagogue’s youngsters, to such programs as the annual trip to Brooklyn to purchase lulavim and etrogim for Sukkot and the November Havdalah under the Stars event.

“We’re trying to create little circles so that they will eventually be integrated into the big circle,” said Werk.

The issues are less complicated at Conservative synagogues when students attend a Conservative movement-affiliated Schechter school, but still, it’s something most congregations grapple with. Werk said that many synagogues, instead of seeing day schools as “a way to make the shul stronger,” see them as a “threat.”

Cohen and Werk will lead a session together on this topic at the upcoming USCJ NJ regional conference, to be held at Temple Beth Shalom in Livingston on Nov. 5.

In this area, Reform synagogue administrators said few students from their congregations are enrolled in day school. Some have not had to confront the issue at all, while others have, at most, a handful of families. All require participation in religious school in general for students to become bar or bat mitzva. In some cases, the requirement is waived for day school students. But in others, the requirement stands even if students attend day school. And some congregations do not require day school students to attend religious school but ask them to participate in synagogue life in other ways — by joining the youth group or choir, for example.

At Temple B’nai Jeshurun in Short Hills, all children who plan to become b’nei mitzva at the synagogue are required to enroll in its religious school.

For Abra Lee, director of religious education, helping children feel “at home” at B’nai Jeshurun is a critical reason for their attending religious school. “It’s very important for their socialization, so that they feel part of the community,” she said.

But it is only one part of the equation. “There are things specific to Reform Judaism they will not get in a day school — for example, that Reform Judaism is all about informed choice,” she said. “It’s important for students to know that ‘Reform’ does not mean ‘less religious.’”

In a policy similar to Temple Shalom’s, day school students are not required to attend B’nei Jeshurun’s classes on Hebrew language. Lee also adapts the curriculum to meet the particular needs of day school students, ensuring they will not repeat material they have already learned.

Lee acknowledged that some parents chafe at the requirement. “Families want to know how we’re going to make this a positive experience.” And yet, she said, because most of the day school families at B’nai Jeshurun have deep roots in the community, it has not led to anyone’s leaving B’nai Jeshurun, nor has any prospective member family told her they wouldn’t join as a result of the policy.

At Temple Sinai in Summit, the rules are more relaxed and are dealt with on a case-by-case basis. The school has had students in fourth through sixth grades enrolled simultaneously in a day school and the Reform congregation’s religious school, where they are also exempt from Hebrew language instruction.

Another Reform congregation, Temple B’nai Or in Morristown, takes a slightly different approach, according to its religious school director, David Itzkowitz. Day school students do not have to attend the temple’s religious school, he said. “But for socialization reasons there are programs and certain seventh-grade classes we think they would benefit from so they feel some connection to the temple and the other kids here.”

Nationally, the Reform movement is trying to establish “best practices” for integrating day school students into synagogue life.

For example, West Coast synagogues are piloting a new project, said Zeldin. Day school students will not be attending religious school, but they and their families will together attend a family education program at the synagogue.

Such family learning often focuses on values and concepts, not so much on the skill-based subjects that are taught in day school, said Zeldin. “And that’s the kind of approach I think will be on the horizon.”

The initial findings will be out at the end of the 2006-07 academic year, and the full findings should take an additional year.

*Stein asked that her real name not be used for this article.