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The Nanny Diaries
For families and their non-Jewish au pairs, the learning process is a two-way street

Few non-family relationships are more intimate than that between a live-in au pair and a family. Whether they come from this country or abroad, the interaction with these baby-sitters —especially for Jewish families —can present some touchy challenges.

Rachel Barash, whose fifth au pair is arriving soon, said that she always makes it known right from the start that the family is Jewish.

"It's on the application form, and it's mentioned in the children's activities —that they'll be taking the kids to Hebrew classes," she said. "Especially with the German girl, we wanted to make sure she knew —you know, just in case. But so far it hasn't been an issue for any of them."

The family, who lives in Scotch Plains, have had three Russians in addition to the German au pair; their new one is from Mexico. For the Russians, the family's religion actually turned out to be a big plus. "They loved my cooking," said Barash. "What I think of as Jewish cooking they thought of as Russian —like my kasha varnishkes and borsht. It gave us an easy common ground. The one girl even said my borsht was better than her mother's."

According to Michelle Chazen, a New Jersey coordinator for the Boston-based agency Cultural Care Au Pair, most of the clients from her agency —in fact, 99.9 percent of them —are not Jewish; but almost 50 percent of families requiring their services are Jewish, and 25 percent keep kosher homes. But only a handful send their children to local yeshivot or day schools, Chazen said, or are Sabbath observant.

She said an estimated 25 percent of local Jewish families turn down German au pairs and similarly, up to 25 percent of German au pairs turn down the opportunity to work with Jewish families. She said these figures have gone down dramatically in the last 10-15 years.

Other coordinators mentioned that they have had a few Jewish au pairs —primarily from Israel —but so far, Chazen, whose agency covers parts of Monmouth and Middlesex counties, says she has worked with just one Jewish au pair, a girl from South Africa. She was placed with a Jewish family in Manalapan, but finding the right synagogue for her to attend presented a challenge, since she had little familiarity with the American versions of denominational life. (Chazen matched her with a congregation that calls itself "traditional," and that seemed to do the trick.)

"A lot of the au pairs find working for a Jewish family intriguing," said Chazen. There are the occasional drawbacks; some, Chazen said, are troubled by not having a Christmas tree. "We compensate by having them visit non-Jewish families in the area." They do gain an education about unfamiliar practices, asking questions as the year goes on, particularly about some of the lesser-known holidays, like Purim.

Barash said her au pairs have enjoyed the Jewish holidays. "They get those days off because I'm home," she said. To help them understand what the celebrations are about, before the major holidays she gives the girls a printout from an Internet site. "They've really enjoyed Hanukka," she said. "What's not to enjoy about a party every night?"

Au pairs also get to see the family's practice of tzedaka, giving charity, and providing food for poor families on Thanksgiving.
"We've never come across any prejudice," Barash said, adding, "I hope that they take away a positive view of Jews from living with us."

Robin Bailey of Westfield is a coordinator for InterExchange's AupairUSA agency who looks after about 30 au pairs. She said that once in a while she encounters a girl who is wary about working for a Jewish family, but it's a matter of ignorance, not antagonism. "Some of them are worried that they won't know what to do," she said.

Bailey has engaged seven au pairs herself and has developed bonds that have lasted long after the girls have returned home. She and her husband, David, recently returned from a visit to Europe and a multi-leg trip to the northern reaches of Norway to visit with Silje Sigerstadt, now a qualified veterinarian, who worked for them a number of years ago. "It was a marvelous experience," Bailey said.

In March, when their daughter Emily celebrated becoming a bat mitzva, they flew Beatriz Fajardo —their au pair from three years ago —back from Chile to share in the event. Bailey said she hopes that one day Emily might be an au pair, and —who knows? —might look after the children of one of the young women who lived and helped care for her family for a year.

Helayne Levitt of Scotch Plains, who has been an au pair coordinator for the past 10 years, said that even girls who seemed well aware that Jews celebrate different holy days are often baffled by the fact that they don't celebrate Christmas. "They think of America and Christmas as the same thing," she said. "Some families let them put up a tree for themselves."

Few show any prejudice though, she said, and most come willing to learn. What they think about Judaism in the end, Levitt said, depends a great deal on the chemistry with their host families, and the cultural curiosity or lack of it —from both sides. "Some families just are cold," she said. But on the other hand, there are employers who treat the girls as they would their own daughters, nursing them through illnesses and flying them back for family celebrations after they have returned home. Similarly, some of the girls become au pairs specifically in order to learn how other people live and form real bonds of affection. Others simply want a way to earn dollars.

Janine Voegt is a German who worked as an au pair for a Jewish family in Livingston. It was the first family the agency offered her. In a telephone call from Germany she said, "I'm an atheist, and I thought it would be interesting to live with a religious family —I didn't care whether they were Jewish or Christian. I wanted to see how a religious family lives."

She said she was embarrassed that she knew so little about Judaism; in fact, she didn't realize Jews didn't celebrate Christmas —but that changed. She learned to prepare a traditional Shabbat meal, and quickly internalized the rules of kashrut. "I thought, I'm in a Jewish house and if I know not to eat it then I won't," she said.

Kyla Sackman is an American who worked as an au pair for a Jewish family in Maplewood. Though she didn't have the language and culture issues that foreign au pairs encounter, the Montana native said she had been worried when she learned she might be hired by a Jewish family. "I didn't know anything about the Jewish religion. I was a little nervous. I didn't want them to make me go to the temple with them, or feel like I had to join in their ceremonies when I have my own beliefs," she said.

Assured this would not be the case, Sackman, who was then Kyla Sager, took the job with the Kraham family and was ultimately pleased to learn plenty about Judaism the year she was with them, 2003-04. "I grew up in a really small town. I wanted to see what else was out there," she said. She ended up forming a lasting relationship with the family, and earlier this summer, all three Kraham children stood up for Sackman at her wedding to a cowboy in a Baptist church in Montana.

Amy Cooper, who also lives in Maplewood and works at the Jewish Federation of Central New Jersey, said one au pair who worked with her family a few years ago showed a particularly positive response to her exposure to Jews. "She started dating a Jewish guy while she was with us, and later she got married to another one," Cooper said. "She certainly seemed to have a pretty good feeling about Jews."