Local hospice workers are warning that the High Holy Days can be a particularly difficult time for those facing the absence of loved ones.

Rather than being a time of excitement as plans are made for gatherings, holiday meals, new clothes, and freshened souls, say the staff at the Martin and Edith Stein Hospice at the Oscar and Ella Wilf Campus for Senior Living in Somerset, the holy days can become a challenge — to make it through what once was a joyful family time in the best possible way.

"It may be about memory, grief, and tears, about suit pockets and sweater sleeves stocked with tissues, and perhaps, a memento of someone we loved whom we just lost," said Sara Culang, the hospice's volunteer director. "The holidays can bring a sense of personal grief and a feeling of loss unlike that experienced in daily life. All around us are sounds, sights, and smells that trigger memories of a loved one who has passed away."

Each year, she said, she sees an example of that heartache in her own family. "A month before Rosh Hashana, my husband's memory of his mother fills his every moment," she said. "His sleep is no longer restful and his mind is involved with thoughts of her and emotions of loss. Sylvia died 10 years ago on Rosh Hashana, and every year he is overcome.

"Only in the midst of the holiday, when we light candles, pray in synagogue, share festive meals, and speak of her, does he begin to awaken to another year, spiritually renewed."

As a family, they try to support her husband during this time, and try to be a little more understanding, "though we're not always successful."

While admonishing him to go to sleep earlier, exercise more, and eat better in hopes that that will help "soothe his psyche," she said, she stops herself and steps back. "I have to remember that grieving is his right and is very individualized."

The first cycle of holidays is usually the most difficult, said hospice social worker Fran Starr. She lost her father on Rosh Hashana in 1990, and, she said, the years that followed were very tough.

"My dad came to stay with us for the holidays since he lived in Florida for many years prior to his death at 80. He was very involved in the holiday preparations," she said. He would volunteer to do all the chores she and her three daughters got little satisfaction from doing. "For example, he would grind the liver for chopped liver in my mother's old hand grinder and happily peel potatoes, polish silver on newspaper, or sweep the front steps and scrub pots.

"His presence was so welcomed, and his love filled our home with joy," she recalled. Her daughters, Robin, Stacy, and Wendy, loved their grandfather, and "he loved and cherished being with his grandkids."

Even now, 17 years later, Starr said, she gets tearful thinking about him, but she said it has helped to reframe those memories so that she can feel the joy of the holidays once again.

"Now I cherish using his silver Kiddush cup on Shabbat and on the holidays, cleaning the silver myself, and remembering his happy face as he did this labor of love — remembering how he told his ‘girls' how sweet they were," she said. "I miss him but he's always in my memories." Starr said she's saving his tallit for her oldest grandson, Joshua, who is named for her father, to use at his bar mitzva ceremony.

For more information on dealing with bereavement or about the Martin and Edith Stein Hospice at the Oscar and Ella Wilf Campus for Senior Living, call 732-227-1212.