For observant singles, a weekend to observe and be observed

by Johanna Ginsberg
NJJN Staff Writer

Moshe Fein and Shani Feld found love at the Sheraton Parsippany. “We came separately, but we’re leaving together,” said Feld, glowing, after a competitive round of “Finish That Quote!” on Saturday night at a melave malka in the hotel’s junior ballroom.

They were just two of the 560 singles who gathered Aug. 4-6 for the second annual Shabbat Nachamu Shabbaton organized by SawYouAtSinai.com — a matchmaking Web site for religiously observant singles.

The site, which was launched in December 2003 by Marc Goldman, has 16,000 registered users, 300 matchmakers, and 135 marriages to its credit. The first Shabbat Nachamu weekend was held last year in response to requests from SawYouAtSinai clients. Shabbat Nachamu, literally “Sabbath of Comfort,” takes its name from the opening words of consolation found in the haftara read on the Shabbat following the fast day of Tisha B’Av. Shabbat Nachamu marks the beginning of the days of repentance and redemption leading up to Rosh Hashana. It is considered a joyful day and a particularly auspicious time for matchmaking because it falls during the same week as Tu B’Av, a traditional matchmaking festival that had all but disappeared but is now enjoying a renaissance.

“People came to us,” said Goldman. “Other Shabbos Nachamu events out there tend to cater to a more liberal crowd. There was no one catering to a more mahmir [religiously stringent] crowd, and they asked us if we could do it. We decided to fill the need. The marketplace dictated this to us, rather than the other way around.”

(“SawYouAtSinai” takes its name from a midrash, or rabbinic commentary, that teaches that every Jewish soul stood at Sinai with his or her soulmate at the giving of the Torah; when men or women find their bashert, or intended one, it is regarded as akin to a spiritual reunion.)

The organization also offers Labor Day “back to camp” weekends geared to anyone along the Orthodox spectrum. Last year’s was held at Camp Moshava in Honesdale, Pa.; this year, the location is still being determined.

Many participants have attended Jewish singles weekends before, those organized both by SawYouAtSinai and by other organizations like End the Madness, a dating organization for Orthodox Jews; Gateways, which organizes Jewish educational retreats; and Flakey Jake, which offers weekends for the Modern Orthodox crowd.

The weekend in Parsippany was highly structured, something Goldman said a team of 30 people worked hard on and voted on together. It included not only ice breakers and discussion sessions but also assigned seating at each meal, assigned rooms for breakout sessions over Shabbat, and a program known as “table dating,” akin to speed dating but done at tables with a shadhan, or matchmaker, present. There were also men’s and women’s separate swim sessions, a walk around the lake, daf yomi study sessions, and time set aside for playing board games. Between Havdala and the melave malka, however, there were no scheduled activities. Rather, participants gathered around a piano to sing, wandered about the halls, or chatted, and at least one pair was engrossed in a game of Connect Four.

“We wanted to ensure people would meet who might be right for each other. That takes a lot of time,” said Goldman. There were also 22 matchmakers mingling with the crowd in an effort to encourage matches. They were available for consultation and individual appointments. “We’re trying to create an environment where people feel comfortable, a positive mood, an enjoyable mood. Then people have the opportunity to meet,” said Goldman.

Many attendees commented on the high level of organization. Avi Gilbert, 36, of Olney, Md., called it the “best one I’ve been to. It’s very well organized. They did an amazing job.”

But some people pined for more casual mingling. “It was too organized. It feels almost like you have to do the program. It’s not laid back enough,” said Farrah Hammer, 25, of Lakewood, who now lives in Queens. But she also acknowledged that she didn’t exactly fit the target audience of mahmir. (There was some discussion among participants regarding exactly how to define the term; Goldman compared it to a “yeshivish” Orthodoxy as opposed to a more liberal or Modern Orthodoxy.)

“I’m Modern Orthodox. I’m used to a much more modern crowd,” said Hammer. In fact, she and her girlfriends were among the few women in the room wearing pants, as opposed to the long skirts favored by the more stringently observant.

Zev Alexander was a first-timer. After moving to Manhattan’s Upper West Side from Providence, RI, one year ago, he found he was just not meeting people. “At 31, there are not too many chances to meet, compared to college dorms and summer camp,” he said. While he said, “Hashem is in charge of the shidduch,” he really enjoyed the weekend’s Shabbat. “It was very holy, good davening.”

Like many others, he said, he would have enjoyed the weekend if only for the opportunity to worship, study, and socialize with like-minded Jews. Still, he was pleased with the prospects the weekend offered. “I came with no expectations, but I think I have met someone I want to follow up with.”

Others, like Haviva Kohl, 27, of New York City, a student at Harvard University’s Kennedy School of Government in Cambridge, Mass., was more guarded. “I didn’t come to meet guys,” she said. “There are so few Jews in the world; it’s great to have everyone together in one room for whatever reason.”

She came with a group of friends, attracted by the weekend’s scholar-in-residence, the popular Rabbi Binny Freedman, director of Isralight, an Orthodox spiritual retreat center. “I love hearing Rav Binny; that’s a reason to come.” Kohl added that the weekend was a good place for networking. “You never know who you’ll meet in your profession, academically, or socially.”

Esti F., 23, a Brooklyn resident who asked that her last name not be used, met someone, but there was no potential. “He’s a kohen; I’m divorced.” Jewish law prevents a kohen from marrying a divorcee. Still, she said, “I met a lot of nice girls.” She was among a handful who misread the mahmir label and felt the crowd wasn’t quite religious enough for her.

She’s not shy about what she wants: “I’m looking for someone sincere and warm, very religious, someone who goes to minyan three times a day, but who’s also a professional. I’m a CPA. I want someone older.” She complained that the matchmakers focused too much on her status as a divorcee and tried to match her with another divorcee instead of someone who suits her personality. “Meeting a kohen, that’s Halacha, but there’s no Halacha about divorced people having to marry divorced people. It’s closed-minded.”

If she was sure she wouldn’t meet anyone else before the weekend ended, her friend Motty Rosenthal was more hopeful. “It’s going well. I’m having a good time. I’m meeting people,” said the 29-year-old Brooklyn resident. “And we’ll see — there’s still time.”

By midnight on Saturday, the ballroom was full of men and women, ages 20-35. Some casually mingled, enjoying the dinner buffet; others sent candy-grams, played movie trivia, had their handwriting analyzed, or — like Fein and Feld, 35 and 30, respectively, both from Brooklyn — played “Finish That Quote!” Just outside, matchmakers met with clients while photographers snapped new photos for SawYouAtSinai.com.

While Esti F. enjoyed the new girlfriends she had made, Alexander remained hopeful that he might meet that special one. Meanwhile, Fein noticed that Feld would not have to change her initials if they married, and with that, the couple melted into the crowd.