We don’t need another hero — or do we?
Stop me if you’ve heard this one: Superman is Jewish. Old hat, right? By now everyone knows that Superman was dreamed up in the 1930s by Cleveland landsmen Jerry Siegel and Joel Shuster. And that the central Superman myth, of a mild-mannered guy in glasses whose alter ego is a butt-kicking crime fighter, is a classic Jewish revenge fantasy, as old as the golem.
And it goes on, at least according to a rabbi named Simcha Weinstein, who has written a new book called Up, Up and Oy Vey! Weinstein writes that even Superman’s origin story mimics the tale of Moses. Like Moses, Superman is an alien who is sent off as a baby for his own safety and is adopted into a new family and secret, hero’s life.
The thing is, Superman is a Jewish superhero for another era, when a battered people longed for the proverbial “tough Jew” to protect them and defy anti-Semitic stereotypes. Nowadays, we don’t need a Jew able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, not when People magazine is filled with Jewish he-men like David Schwimmer, Zach Braff, and Jason Schwartzman. Okay, check that — maybe we do need a Jewish Superman. But how about a few superheroes who can address contemporary Jewish dilemmas?
G.I. Joel
Let’s face it — between irritable bowel syndrome, bleeding ulcers, and general agita, Jews have cornered the market on upset stomachs. G.I. (stands for “gastrointestinal”) Joel is the love child of a New Age healer and a Hopkins-educated internist who, after exposure to an industrial accident at a Chabad-sponsored Matza Factory, is given the mysterious ability to heal inflammations of the upper and lower intestines. His only weakness is his intolerance of lactose — when villains squirt him with a stream of half-and-half or wave a slice of cheesecake in his general direction, he collapses to the floor and summons help with the stirring cry of “Lactaid! Lactaid!”
The Incredible Shmulke
All Rabbi Barry Brenner wanted was a modest congregation in a small town so he’d have time to turn his doctoral thesis into a book. But thanks to a mix-up in the placement office, he finds himself spiritual leader of a 900-family congregation with a K-12 Hebrew school and a building fund. Fortunately, whenever he is enraged or frustrated, he is transformed into a huge, green, tallis-wearing behemoth, so the board of trustees tends to address most of their concerns to the assistant rabbi.
Rhoda Dendron
Rhoda Daniels graduated in the top five percent at the Wurzweiler School of Social Work, but after 10 years as a Jewish communal worker, she fears she will never be considered for an executive position. Seeking revenge and advancement for Jewish women professionals everywhere, she builds a secret crystal lair, known as the “Glass Ceiling,” and begins to issue a series of anonymous e-mails and class action lawsuits.
Supperman
Mom’s stuck in traffic, the kids are hungry, and dad is no help at all — that’s the time for… Supperman! Yes, it’s Supperman! Strange visitor from a takeout Chinese place, who came to Earth with the power and ability to throw together a meal from leftovers. Supperman! Who can change the course from salad to melon if no one likes salad. Microwave chicken nuggets in his bare hands. And who, disguised as Far Klempt, a mild-mannered chauffeur for a great Israeli-owned limousine company, fights his way to the front of the pick-up line at preschool and tells Hannah’s whiny mom to get out of the way!
The Justice League of America
Formed by the merger of Jews for Justice, the Anti-Defamation League, and the Zionist Organization of America, the league brings together a “dream team” of hate-crime-fighting superheroes: FoxMan, who has only to utter his dreaded catchphrase “Anti-Semite!” to summon the forces of wrath; GuiltFinger, whose icy touch transforms white supremacists into Camp Fire Girls; and Alan Dershowitz.
The Matchmaker
Born on a planet where eligible Jewish women outnumber single Jewish men by four to one (a planet, eerily enough, that resembles New York’s Upper West Side, but with more parking), mild-mannered Ya-El tends the espresso bar at a combination kosher deli-sushi bar-laundromat on Canal Street. At night, however, she dons her Prada jumpsuit and races around Gotham doing battle with her arch-enemies: Peter PanMan, whose evil influence renders 30-something bachelors paralyzed with indecision; PlasticSurgeryMan, a psychopath with body image problems who robs young women of their self-esteem; and Paris Hilton, a psychopath with body image problems who robs young women of their self-esteem.
Captain Maftir
When the bar mitzva is only a month away, and Ethan still hasn’t learned his Torah portion, who ya gonna call? Captain Maftir has the power to get seventh-graders to put down the remote control and pick up their Humash. Skilled in martial arts, psy-ops, and both Ashkenazi and Sephardi trope, Captain Maftir beams the melodies directly into the child’s cerebral cortex (while he’s in there, he can also make the kid brush his teeth and clean his room, but that costs extra. Please, no calls after 8 p.m.).
Wolf Blitzer
Not Wolf Blitzer, the CNN news personality, but another guy named Wolf Blitzer who realized that the name “Wolf Blitzer” sounds exactly like the name of a Jewish superhero. Unfortunately, this other Wolf Blitzer has no super powers and is neither particularly handsome, articulate, nor employed.
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