A family spiritual countdown
Let's be honest – self-reflection is tough. Given the choice of mulling over the virtues and vices of the latest American Idol contestants or pondering our own, we'd pick the former without skipping a beat.
But we Jews don't get off so easily. Especially since we are currently in the midst of the omer, the 49-day countdown that began on the second night of Passover. During this seven-week cycle, it is considered a mega-mitzva to take a hard look at ourselves to see how we size up in light of the seven basic emotions that the human experience comprises: discipline, kindness, compassion, endurance, leadership, humility, and bonding. And as if that wasn't a tall enough order on its own, Jewish parents have an added responsibility on our plates: preparing our kids to do the same.
In tackling one aspect each week, the theory goes, by the time Shavuot reaches us, we'll be renewed and invigorated, ready to accept the Torah again and let it infuse our lives with meaning.
In the spirit of springtime renewal, here are some suggestions toward planting the seeds of the seven emotional attributes in your children.
• Gevura (discipline) – Thanks to ample doses of yetzer hara (the evil inclination), children require plenty of support along the road to achieving gevura. That said, our goal is not to raise kids who behave out of fear of punishment but who exhibit self-discipline based on an understanding of consequences and the ability to distinguish right from wrong. The trick is to approach discipline as an opportunity to teach and empower, rather than squelch and subdue. Instead of exiling your child to his room as retribution for teasing his sister about her outfit, for example, have him help you come up with a logical and appropriate consequence for his behavior. If he comes up with a ridiculously lenient suggestion, explain that you can either arrive at a reasonable consequence together or you will determine one independently.
• Hesed (loving-kindness) – Children are naturally loving and exhibit hesed in many ways: sharing a toy with a friend, helping the teacher clean up the classroom, or giving mom or dad a deliciously unexpected kiss. They can also, however, be self-centered. Even the most loving of little ones will require gentle nudges in order to maximize their hesed potential. We can encourage acts of loving-kindness by setting such a climate at home, recognizing and praising unsolicited good deeds on our child's part, providing opportunities for them to show hesed within their communities, and, of course, modeling such behavior ourselves.
• Tiferet (compassion) – Rabbi Simon Jacobson, author of A Spiritual Guide to Counting the Omer, describes tiferet as a combination of hesed and gevura. Perhaps the most tangible representations of tiferet are acts of tzedaka and tikun olam (repairing the world). Having our children put a small portion of their allowance in the pushke, donate a few gently used toys to the needy at Hanukka, and perform similar good deeds will infuse them with a lasting sense of global compassion and responsibility.
• Hod (humility) – "Humility is sensitivity," explains Jacobson. "It is healthy shame out of recognition that you can be better than you are and that you can expect more of yourself." Unfortunately, many contemporary kids score unsettlingly low on the hod scale thanks to the modern parental misconception that sky-high self-esteem is a prerequisite for children's survival. I'm not implying that self-esteem is not beneficial, but it's only helpful when it's based on reality. Misleading our children about their abilities ("You are the greatest soccer player ever!") sets them up for disappointment when the world does not agree. It also extinguishes any embers of humility and modesty they might have had in the first place.
• Malhut (leadership) – Letting up on the empty praise doesn't mean losing sight of our children's gifts. To the contrary, it is our responsibility to recognize and nurture their strengths (whether or not they are considered as such by societal standards). Jacobson defines malhut as a belief that you have the ability to be a proficient leader in your own right. By taking the time to unearth and nourish the seeds of potential that God planted in our children, we cultivate the malhut within them.
• Netzach (endurance) – A likely offshoot of the self-esteem movement gone awry is the modern myth that children are supposed to be happy 24/7. Unfortunately, this mindset proves counterproductive; recent research reveals that the parental quest for perpetual kiddie bliss has yielded a generation comparable to "bubbles, apt to burst at the slightest smattering of adversity." I'm not suggesting we shouldn't be concerned with their happiness, but positioning ourselves as emotional buffers between our kids and disappointment is not the answer either. Only by taking a deep breath and a step back and giving our children room to take the occasional fall, will we arm them with the netzach they need to ultimately stand up, brush themselves off, and rejoin the game all the stronger.
• Yesod (bonding) – "Bonding is the foundation of life," says Jacobson, "the emotional spine of the human psyche. Without bonding we cannot realize and be ourselves." Unfortunately, the hustle of modern family life rarely leaves time for just hanging out and jabbering about nothing in particular. Yet research shows that parent-child moments – without a predetermined purpose and destination – are among the experiences that gird our kids with the security and stability they need to thrive in an unpredictable world.
Like the 49 days of the omer, childhood is fleeting. So seize the opportunity to snuggle when you can (and no sneaking in trips to the laundry room).
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