Sidebars: ‘Very Jewish'
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New Jersey native Judy Gold has always had lots of questions: At 13 – six feet tall, "loud, huge, funny, gigantic, with orthopedic-looking shoes" and Jewish – she wondered how she would ever fit in. Working as a comedian after her graduation from Rutgers University, she mined her outsider status for material, focusing much of her act on her mother – a powerful, opinionated woman – even while she asked herself whether she was promoting stereotypes of Jewish women in the process. And when she became a mother herself, she continued to struggle "with the conflicts of being Jewish as well as being gay, and being a comedian as well as a mother."

"Honestly, what Jewish mother do you know who spends her evenings in smoky clubs full of drunk people, shouting obscenities over the sound of a blender, and the next day drops her kids off at Hebrew school?" she asks in her book 25 Questions for a Jewish Mother (Voice, May 2007), the culmination of a five-year cross-country tour of the same-named show, armed with just a tape recorder, occasionally a video camera, and that 25-question list.

Gold and coauthor Kate Moira Ryan interviewed 50 Jewish women of many ages and occupations, women self-identified as everything from secular to Orthodox, to find the answer to the core question: "What makes a Jewish mother different from a non-Jewish mother?" The result of their quest was a successful off-Broadway one-woman show starring Gold in 2006, and now the book.

In a telephone interview with NJ Jewish News, Gold switched roles and answered some questions herself.

NJJN: Let's cut to the conclusion: Is there a Jewish mother stereotype?

Gold: No – there are stereotypical affectations – like food. And another thing – all the respondents said they speak to their children every day. They were all so bonded and invested with their children.

What explains the eternal popularity of the Jewish mother label?

We've been working on this project since 2000. It's funny that all these Jewish shows have turned up. There has been so much silence in our lives. We've always been warned, ‘Don't make waves.' My generation doesn't want to deal with it any more. I had this manager for many years. He told me to straighten my hair, dye it blond. That was ‘You're too Jewish.' I had to listen to it. Now it has to be me being comfortable. I just couldn't do it.

What's the difference between the way your and Kate's view of Jewish mothers?

Kate is not Jewish but her partner is. They're raising their child Jewish. During the interview she came from a historical perspective. She was very, very detail-oriented…. I was ‘How were you feeling?' – ‘What were you thinking?' Mine was an emotional connection. Some of the things she tells me about her mother were so Jew-y – like people who came to the show – ‘I'm not Jewish but I have a Jewish mother,' or ‘I am a Jewish mother.'

You are a mother yourself now (Gold has two boys, 10 and seven). How much like your mother are you?

There is so much, so many ways that I am her, not like her. My kids and I talk – we're very talky and I think I would never have had this talk with my mother. My kids and I are always hugging and kissing. In my family we did not do that. I am like my mother when I start screaming, ‘I hope you don't treat your friends and teachers like you treat me' or ‘Why can't I have one moment to myself?' or ‘Do you think I want to shlep you around all day?' Also, the wanting to protect us. It's so hard when I hear someone teasing my kid and I want to go over and call the parents and I can't because my mother called the parents.

As a Jew, where do you put yourself on the spectrum?

My family belonged to Temple Beth O'r/Beth Torah in Clark, where I was bat mitzva. Now I'm a member of B'nai Jeshurun on the Upper West Side. My kids go to Hebrew school there. I have a kosher kitchen. I'm really a Jew-y Jew.

Where do you live now? How is it different from New Jersey?

Eeeeww – We live in New York City in a great building on the Upper West Side. My kids' godparents live down the hall – my ex is one floor up. Everyone is always helping each other out. Growing up, Clark was like the epitome of the suburbs – like Welcome to the Dollhouse [Livingston native Todd Solondz' 1996 film]. If you talk different, you don't fit in in suburbia. What's great about the city – even if you're weird and eccentric, there's someone at least as eccentric as you. It's a more accepting place.

How does your mother handle your fame – and now her own?

She loves it. For her to open The New York Times art section and see my big punim there – I actually took over position number one [in the family] for a couple of weeks from my brother, although the first-born never completely loses it.

How did your mother feel about her portrayal in the book?

She really enjoyed the book…. How many times does a parent get to hear the effect you have had on a child? It's funny – everything is such a big secret in my family and yet she was fine with how I perceived her.

How has your comedy act changed since you did the play?

In the clubs you have them – you just have to keep them interested. In the theater, it's nice to see them crying. You don't have to get them to laugh every 20 seconds.

What's your hope for the future?

So many Jewish religious people who are gay came to see the show [in New York], and they said, ‘But I still want to be Jewish' and they ask how can they be both – they don't want to give up being Jewish. If I can change some people's minds so they don't abandon their gay kid – stop their judgmentalism so they don't try to stop the way other people live – if I can help just one family love their gay child….

And for your own kids?

I just want them to be happy. I don't want them to be on antidepressants. I want them to love their lives and to laugh, laugh, laugh. And I want them to wipe my ass – you can say tuches – at the Hebrew Home for the Aged.

What about your appearance at the West Orange JCC (see sidebar)? Will the audience like the show?

If they don't, they're idiots. Well, how many hysterically funny people come to the West Orange JCC – hello?

What didn't I ask that I should have?

Such a Jewish question – What didn't I do? You should ask what my mother asks: What did you eat today?

So, what did you eat today?

Cobb salad, no bacon.