The last Jews of [Blank], and other journalistic chestnuts
It was only last Purim, two or three glasses — um, verses — into the reading of the Book of Esther, when a close friend, Ploni “Al” Moni, turned to me and said, “You think writing for a newspaper is hard? All you have to do is fill in the blanks.” I scoffed. “You think so, Al? Tell you what. You write a fill-in-the-blanks version of four typical stories in a Jewish newspaper, and I’ll write a bogus introduction to get them into the newspaper.” “You’re on,” he said. And here they are.
The last Jews of [Blank]
It’s Friday evening, and the sun is going down in this [mountain; desert; jungle] village in the far reaches of [Europe; Asia; Arkansas]. In the pews sit [nine elderly men; three elderly men and six Peace Corps volunteers; eight elderly men and a reporter with a severe head cold]. They are waiting for a 10th man to complete the minyan, the prayer quorum.
“You should have been here 20 years ago,” says [Isaac; Yitzchok; Ygplyx] Cohen, the aging gabbai. “On a Friday night, we had 500 people. Even the [king; imam; local sheriff] would pay his respects.”
But that was before [insert global tragedy]. After that, most of the community moved to [Israel; America; the suburbs]. Those who remained are now led by [a Lubavitcher emissary; a Greek Orthodox plumber who speaks broken Hebrew; a Reform rabbinical student who lost her Eurail pass].
But this week there is hope, and the once grand synagogue will host its first bar mitzva in decades. The bar mitzva boy is [Ethan; Josh; Ari] [family name of prominent philanthropist], whose parents have come to the place where [his great-grandfather grew up; his grandparents owned the local butcher shop; his father’s company is now outsourcing its customer-service department].
“It’s a mitzva to remember the past,” said [Ethan; Josh; Ari]. “And as part of my bar mitzva project, I have collected [prayer books; warm socks; one-way airfare] for the community members.”
[Insert celebrity name]: Did we ‘mentshn’ he’s Jewish?
As star of the new HBO series Bitter Fruit, you could say that [insert Jewish celebrity] has a “plum” job. In fact, the son of [a Jewish psychiatrist and a Jewish schoolteacher; an Israeli businessman and his Vietnamese wife; Jerry Lewis] says that after so many jobs that were the “pits,” he’s ready to take a bite out of success.
Not that he is making a tzimmes out of the fact that he is the first Jew [to star in a 10-episode HBO series; to appear in a series based on a Humperdinck opera; to demand a Yiddish track on the DVD]. Rather, he is ready to eat humble pie about his modest upbringing in the [insert any American city] suburbs and his warm Jewish roots.
“I’m proud of my Jewish heritage, but I’m not someone you would call [religious; observant; if you had Barbra Streisand tickets]. I think of Judaism as [a commitment to justice; a promise to ‘never forget’; an obligation to vote Democratic].” Every year he [takes part in a Passover seder at Jason Alexander’s house; chairs the Lubavitcher telethon; calls his mother]. “My biggest Jewish influence has to be [my grandmother, whom we called Bubbe; my agent, who calls me Bubbele; my rabbi, who called me a ‘goyishe kopf’ at my bar mitzva].”
Jewish groups outraged over [something outrageous]
Leading Jewish groups demanded action today after [anti-Semitic graffiti were scrawled on the state capitol; a Muslim cleric threatened Alan Dershowitz’s life during the Senate’s opening prayer; Mel Gibson announced his next film will be a Ladino musical].
The complaints by the top Jewish groups come in a year, [inset any year], when such incidents have been particularly worrisome, they say. “We’ve been on heightened alert since [Shemini Atzeret; the Middle Ages; Mel Gibson’s cameo appearance on the Oscars],” said [Abraham Foxman]. “This incident just goes to show what happens when [states lack hate crimes statutes; schools don’t teach tolerance; Rosie O’Donnell stars in Fiddler on the Roof]. We have to send a message about what is acceptable and what is not.”
Not all Jewish leaders joined in condemnation of the incident. “Perhaps we need to look at our own behavior over the last year in [the occupied territories; Hollywood; the kosher food industry],” said the president of [name of organization on the far Left or far Right].
Believe it or not, but [something] is a Jewish problem, too
A cold wind is blowing outside, but in the basement of the JCC, nine people are sitting in a circle of folding chairs. Addressing them is a petite woman in a blue business suit named [name of blue business suit].
“The biggest obstacle to overcome is the perception that Jews [don’t drink and drive; don’t drive American cars; don’t go to restaurants without sending their dishes back to the kitchen],” she said. “But believe me, it’s happening in the Jewish community.”
She should know. Before [getting her degree in psychology from Duke; getting arrested at Spring Break; getting Elie Wiesel to write the cover blurb on her latest book], the speaker said she too was a victim of what she calls [the “hidden problem”; the “secret shame”; the next episode of Maury Povich]. What she had to learn, she said, was that it’s okay [to talk to somebody; to forgive yourself; to shoot a friend if you’re the vice president].
Several participants at the workshop said they were relieved that a Jewish organization was at last facing the issue. Said one: “I felt that I had to be here, even though I am not [suffering from the problem; expecting them to serve refreshments; even Jewish].”
Next week: How to write an editor’s column by filling in the blanks. In other words, business as usual.
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