When it comes to dating violence, every teenager can be a victim
This column I take a break from my usual exposition of our political failings to instead address a p
ersonal issue that should be important to every parent of a teenager — recognizing and dealing with dating violence.
The National Council of Jewish Women has an excellent multimedia presentation, the Teen Dating Violence Program, which it presents in schools in Essex County. The program focuses on what signs to watch for and how to discuss this issue with your children.
I recently attended the program, ably taught by the NCJW’s Diane Beni.
The problem is statistically significant and can hit at home — any home. Although we more commonly hear about domestic violence among adults, up to one-quarter of young people between ages 12 and 21 experience violence in a relationship — very often right under the noses of their unaware parents. Eighty-five percent of reported victims are female, but this is an equal-opportunity problem, and the guys are not exempt. Nor is socioeconomic class, income, or how nice a town you may live in any protection. Forty percent of abuse happens right on school grounds, according to Beni.
We often fail to see abuse in our children because it is a gradual and insidious thing — it doesn’t happen on the first date. After all, who would go out a second time with someone who hit you or abused you?
There are four facets to dating abuse — physical, verbal, emotional, and sexual abuse. Most of what is seen or reported, however, is of the physical and sexual variety. Often teenagers may not have the life experience to see violence for what it is. Surprisingly, they may see it as a sign of being loved — succumbing to the twisted logic of “if I didn’t care about you, why would I do these things?” They stay in bad relationships out of peer pressure, embarrassment, or diminished self-esteem.
The problem was well illustrated when Beni utilized what is known as a Power & Control Wheel, a chart that highlights the various forms of abuse.
In addition to highlighting physical abuse, the wheel addresses isolation, as the abuser tends to want to isolate his victim to make her dependent on him alone. Possessiveness is another important factor in abuse.
The second factor highlighted by the Power & Control Wheel is emotional abuse — the use of psychological acts such as mind games, the silent treatment, etc. Third comes verbal abuse — put-downs, name-calling, and the use of words as weapons. The fourth factor is threats — threats to hurt the victim or her family or to destroy property. Most compelling in teenage violence, and never to be overlooked, is the abuser’s threat to commit suicide if the relationship is ended. It’s a serious form of emotional blackmail.
Fifth is the use of intimidation: stalking, harassment, and other just plain scary behavior. While we normally think of stalking as simply physical, in this electronic age, stalking can also be by pager, cell phone, and intimidating e-mails.
Finally there is sexual abuse, which ranges from pressure for sex, to pressure that “no” means “yes,” to frightening threats to publicize intimate activities — another form of blackmail.
The teenage years are already tough enough, and often parent-teen relationships are strained, so what are we as parents to do to protect our children?
First and foremost, we need to educate ourselves and to accept the fact that dating violence is something that happens to “nice kids” and to “smart kids,” too.
So if our kids won’t tell us when they are in these dangerously escalating situations, what can we as parents look for?
Since dating violence is a matter of power and control, we need to be watchful of our children giving up too much of themselves to satisfy a controlling boyfriend or girlfriend. Common signs of victimization include feelings of extreme jealousy, possessiveness, and the fear that if she does something wrong she will be punished.
Other warning signs include a history of bad relationships, getting serious in a relationship too quickly, making excuses for an abuser’s bad behavior, and being in a relationship where someone is always apologizing after abusive behavior.
Above all, parents need to keep lines of communication open, without our children having to fear our accusations. Be there to help, not to pass judgment. If you see your child avoiding old friends, no longer participating in activities she liked, or changing her very manner of dress or appearance for someone, these could all be warning signs. If your teenager tries to end an abusive relationship by breaking up, the best advice you can give is that the breakup must be definite and final.
There’s no doubt this problem is a difficult one, hard to spot and sometimes hard to stop. But we need to help our children understand that while dating is fun and experimenting with relationships is a part of growing up, abuse has no place in a healthy relationship.
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