January 24, 2008
Editor’s Note: MetroWest CARES, the Committee Addressing Resources for Eldercare Services, brings together professionals and lay leaders from MetroWest agencies that provide services to older adults. Each month, a MetroWest CARES agency will present an educational column on eldercare issues. The Joint Chaplaincy Committee of MetroWest sends chaplains to visit Jewish individuals in hospitals and nursing homes, offering families pastoral and spiritual care and guidance, and is the sponsor of this month’s column.
Sandy is a divorced 55-year-old office manager with a son in high school and a daughter in college. Her parents, Eleanor and Morris, moved to Florida 22 years ago.
When Morris died 12 years ago, Sandy tried to convince her mother to move near her and the grandkids. She refused, insisting that her life was in Florida and made Sandy promise never to move her from there.
Eleanor had several good years, but her health began to falter and her friends died or went to live in nursing homes. Sandy visited several times a year but could not provide her mother with regular companionship.
Five years ago Sandy arranged for a part-time helper to clean the apartment after Eleanor fractured a hip. Then, a couple of years ago, Sandy noticed that Eleanor was repeating herself on the phone. When she visited, she found that her mother’s clothes were filthy and the food in the refrigerator was rotten.
Sandy arranged for another helper to come in three times a week to shop and cook, but she remained concerned. She began visiting every other month, but felt terrible each time she left.
She was wondering what to do when she got a call from a local hospital. Eleanor had been found wandering three blocks from her apartment and didn’t know how to get home. The hospital social worker told Sandy that she needed to place her mother in a nursing home or assisted-living facility.
Sandy was terribly torn. She remembered her promise to Eleanor but couldn’t imagine having her mother confined to an institution 1,000 miles away from her and her children. How would she make sure that her mother was safe, cared for, and not terribly alone?
Sandy was worried about who would care for her mother, but there is another question looming, as well: Who will care for Sandy?
As the “age wave” continues to gather force in the Jewish community, it has brought with it a corresponding caregiving wave. The medical advances that have given us unprecedented longevity also bring prolonged periods of dependency due to chronic and disabling illnesses for many of the “oldest old.” More of us will be challenged to care for parents, siblings, and spouses over long distances and many years.
Now is the time for our community to come to the support of caregivers, whether they are providing hands-on daily care for a spouse, making repeated emergency trips to respond to crises of far-away parents, or spending hours each week advocating for and arranging care for parents in nearby assisted-living facilities. What do caregivers need from our community? Here are a few ideas:
• Help navigating the maze of services and entitlements. Caregivers need information and referral and service coordination to make sure their loved ones are getting the care and support they need and deserve.
• Emotional support to cope with the inevitable experience of role shifts in their intimate relationships and the stresses of “the juggling act.”
• Spiritual support to face the wrenching dilemmas of balancing their own and their loved ones’ well-being and end-of-life treatment decisions.
• Visibility and validation. Caregivers’ struggles are often invisible and lonely. Simply acknowledging this experience through communal dialogue and programming can pierce caregivers’ isolation and remind them they share their journey with a broad community.
Family caregivers are truly unsung heroes. They are strong and resilient; they traverse tricky terrain without a road map. Even when they feel they cannot take one more challenge, they somehow find the energy and wisdom to lovingly support their dear ones on their journeys through frailty. These caregivers deserve direction, encouragement, inspiration, and support.
Rabbi Dayle A. Friedman is the director of Hiddur: The Center for Aging and Judaism of the Reconstructionist Rabbinical College. On Monday, Feb. 11, Hiddur will partner with MetroWest CARES to offer a workshop, From Strength to Strength: Spiritual Caring for the Caregiver. For more information, contact Gail Herman or call 973-929-3069.
Families and caregivers confronting the types of challenges described above can get answers to eldercare questions and help with community resources from Elderlink, a portal to all MetroWest services for older adults and their families. Elderlink can also be reached by telephone at 973-467-3300, ext. 511.