We’re so happy you’re joining us for a tour of Reach University. In order to make the most of your visit to our world-class campus, we ask that you read the following information carefully.

Information session
One of our admissions counselors will guide you through the process of applying to Reach U. The process can be daunting, but our careful screening assures the strongest, most diverse student body imaginable.

As you were undoubtedly told by your private college consultant (unfortunately, we are unable to provide much of this material to high school guidance counselors) we require that candidates take both the SAT with the writing component and the ACT without the writing component. And vice versa. SAT Subject Tests are recommended, but not required, but rest assured that the candidate sitting next to you will be taking them and do you really want to take that chance?

As the number of applications to Reach U. has swelled and the process has become ever more arbitrary and sadistic, we have adjusted our acceptance rates accordingly. In recent years we have received approximately 74,000 applications for our 1,200 slots. In response to demand (from our Board of Trustees, that is) we have reduced the number of available slots to 900.

Nevertheless, we encourage many different kinds of students to apply. Perhaps you are a talented filmmaker who struggled in calculus. Or an average math student with a special interest in journalism. We promise: Every application to Reach U. helps boost our U.S. News & World Report ranking.

Our counselor will also explain why, in addition to your school transcript and class rank, we ask for recommendations from every teacher you’ve ever had, as well as affidavits confirming the status of those you will list as “deceased.”

The application essay will also be discussed, along with tips on standing out from the crowd as you address such topics as “My greatest challenge” and “My biggest accomplishment.” (And don’t worry — every year we accept at least one student who has not recovered from a life-threatening illness or has yet to receive a MacArthur “genius grant.”)

Early admissions programs can be divided into seven categories: early decision (ED), early action (EA), single choice early action (SCEA), early single decision choice (ESDC), are you in or not (AYION), come on — we don’t have all day (COWDHAD), and too late — we just gave your bed away (TLWJGYBA). Please consider all options carefully.

Financial aid
A representative of our financial aid office will break down our tuition and housing package, and discuss the various aid and loan options available to students. To save time, we have attached a list of Frequently Asked Questions, including: “Did you accidentally add a zero to that number?” and “Does that figure include all four years?” and “That can’t be right, can it?” and “Are you freakin’ kidding me?” Emergency Medical Service personnel will be standing by.

Campus tour
One of our impossibly chipper undergraduates will meet your group outside the Administration Building for a tour of our state-of-the-art campus. The tour will last approximately 17 hours. You will begin at the newly renovated Student Campus Center, which is the East Coast’s only full-size replica of the Palace of Versailles. From there you will proceed through the Quadrangle, past the Podium, under the Octagon, and parallel to the Perimeter Road. Shuttle buses will then take you to the nearest classrooms, in the recently renovated Humanities LearningPlex.

Student housing
Our tour will include a stop at our recently renovated freshman dormitory, Arsenio Hall Hall, designed by Frank Gehry. You’ll have a chance to look inside one of the state-of-the-art rooms, each of which comes equipped with high-speed Internet, a refrigerator, microwave oven, flat-screen TV, and a dining/work table. (Warning: The 12 rooms in Arsenio Hall Hall are apportioned according to lottery. All other freshmen will be housed in our “classic” dormitories; a shuttle bus is available to take you to the train station, from which the dorms are a relaxing 30-minute ride away.)

Campus dining
Meal plans at Reach U., like our humanities curriculum, are based on classic Greek pedagogy. Thus, students can choose the “Epicurean” plan, which includes international and regional specialties, vegetarian, and “Cooking Light” dishes, as well as inviting buffets at the cafe and three alternative, by-reservation dining venues. Budget-minded families may choose the “Spartan” plan, which includes a weekly loaf of white bread and a jar of genuine Skippy peanut butter.

Athletic facilities
Our state-of-the-art, newly renovated Reach Arena, Natatorium, and Wellness Center features training rooms, squash courts, an indoor track, climbing wall, and sauna, and is reserved for the use of scholarship athletes. Other interested students are encouraged to use the game room at the Rathskeller, which features a ping pong table and a Ms. Pac-Man video console circa 1985.

In conclusion, we know that choosing a college can be stressful. However, being rejected by Reach does not mean that you will not succeed in life. Indeed, many of our own campus employees have come to us without the benefit of a Reach education.

Please deposit your trash with them on your way out today. Thank you.