In the company of men: Outreach’s next frontier
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September 16, 2009
On the High Holy Days, most synagogues in America are filled to capacity, and even marginally affiliated families are drawn back to the Jewish community. Look around at those in attendance. Chances are you’ll see an even split between men and women, fathers and mothers, sons and daughters. But does this parity mask a “gender imbalance” in American Jewish life?
The trend we’re hearing about lately is the withdrawal of men from the ritual practice of (non-Orthodox) Judaism. One recent report on the subject contends, “The decline of male interest in Jews and Judaism is a crisis, and needs to be recognized and responded to as such.”
Our first principle at the Jewish Outreach Institute, neatly summarized by the title of Edgar Bronfman’s recent book, is Hope, Not Fear. We do not believe that Jewish men are on the verge of “disappearing.” Germany 1933? Crisis. Suez 1973? Crisis (for about a week). A 13 percent differential between boys who agree that “Bar/Bat Mitzva was graduation from Jewish school” (47 percent) compared to girls (34 percent)? Not a crisis.
While a growing body of statistics suggests that boys and men relate differently to Judaism than girls and women, broad generalizations are often unhelpful. Yes, men are less “spiritual” than women — except for all the deeply spiritual men we know!
Nevertheless, the shift toward less affiliation for men is happening in most religions in America. A survey by the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life found that nearly 20 percent of men say they have no religious affiliation, compared to 13 percent of women.
And yet telling Jewish men they should become more religious probably won’t impact the trend any more than telling single Jews they shouldn’t intermarry.
Instead, we need to provide more options for men to engage with the Jewish community and identify personal meaning in the traditions. Gender-specific programming may be one way to determine what men want and need from the Jewish community. JOI has had success with women’s programming, including our Mothers Circle for women of other religious backgrounds raising Jewish children. The Mothers Circle is effective not only because it is a “safe space” for moms, but, more importantly, it allows participants to address clearly articulated, shared challenges that they may not feel as comfortable discussing in a mix-gendered environment.
JOI is now developing programming to serve a new population: men in interfaith marriages and partnerships. In doing so, we’re keeping in mind a number of guiding principles that may be useful to others who are also seeking to engage more men.
If we are going to share what we love about being Jewish with unengaged boys and men — who can choose to do and be whatever they want in the free and open American marketplace of ideas — it must come from our genuine joy and pride, and offer real meaning and value. When we’re solely driven by our “Ever-Dying People” complex, or the urgency to grow the annual campaign or increase our synagogue’s membership, it turns people off. Today in America is the best time to be alive and Jewish than at any other time in 2,000 years. Doomsayers see this as the pinnacle and can only look down, but we say there are still heights to climb.
Since 1990, countless millions of dollars have been spent on programs that were subtly or overtly intended to bring down the intermarriage rate. But the trend continued, because many of the factors causing it were well beyond our control, including population spread and the decline in anti-Semitism. Likewise, many of the trends impacting the way men relate to Judaism are beyond our control, like societal pressures and secularization. So another principle is to accept the trends and work within them.
For unaffiliated men, it won’t be enough to replicate the men’s programming that already exists for the affiliated, which often presumes they want “Jewish-only” fellow participants and venues. They don’t want or need an all-Jewish softball league, and “Kiddush clubs” only attract men who have already entered the synagogue. Our principle for outreach is to go where the men are, recognizing that one size won’t fit all.
JOI will be piloting two programs in Bergen County this fall. The first is for Jewish men with partners of other religious backgrounds. We’ll help them strategize how to create a Jewish household when they themselves might not be deeply engaged. The second is for intermarried/interpartnered men of other religious backgrounds. We’ll help them answer their Jewish children’s questions.
Both programs will be held in secular venues and offered free to participants. A few other organizations are taking similar first steps but much more thought and innovation is needed by the community at large. More importantly, we need to listen and learn from men themselves.
When we do the High Holy Days right, we emerge with a clean slate and sense of optimism for the year ahead. This coming year, as we continue to support the incredible gains made by women in Jewish religious life and break glass ceilings where they still exist, let’s also open up the spectrum of opportunities for unaffiliated men to find meaning through participation in Jewish communal life.
Paul Golin is associate executive director of the Jewish Outreach Institute and co-author with Rabbi Kerry Olitzky of the forthcoming book, How to Raise Jewish Children…Even When You’re Not Jewish Yourself.
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